who? = stupid
ehlo!it's been rather long (well, it is for me), but here i am! because i've a mouth but i cannot shout in real life. and i suspect this will be a rather long post coz well, i haven't blogged for a while mah.
as mentioned before, my "disappearance" is due to the consuming nature of my internship, my relationship with my telly and my bed. the internet just can't compete with the above-mentioned trinity.
* * * * *
had a pretty icky week. would rate it 2.5/5
had quite a couple of health-related issues. some examples (truth is, i'm listing all):
- severe allergic reaction coz i forgot the instructions i read off the hair-removal spray. it's severe enough to awake me from my concus.. sleep.
- leaking blood (ok, so the correct term should be menses, i like to use the word leaking, can?)
- 旧伤复发. an minor injury that i suffered from ten years back (t e n!) relapsed. freaking 旧伤 lah, ten years liao can. this reduced the mobility of my usually rather flexible ankle
- eye-ache (suspect it's due to contact lens. @#^$^@)
- headache (suspect it's due to pillow)
- pimple on butt. this was seriously a pain in the butt (pun somewhat intended). and i'm stuck at the desk all day. o n m y p i m p l e o n m y b u t t. it was more like.. a wart.. a boil.. a growth. it was h u g e. and freaking painful
i actually had a nightmare that i was late and the hr person was telling me the boss gave me an ultimatum. turn up for work late again and i'll be sacked. that was when i woke up to realise i w a s indeed late for work. the horror, the horror.
work has its ups and downs but i'm learning to let it not bother me coz i need to conserve my emotional energy for other more deserving things (eg for loving diving)
then i just had a pretty terrible session of catching up with old friends.
met up for dinner with Y & K.
during the dinner, K brought up the point that i was very agitated (during the dinner). quite a few times.
maybe i was a little dramatic, a little more vocal, a little more forceful with my opinions, but if you can't relax and let down your guard when you're with friends, then when can one be oneself?
think K found me a little impatient. but i'm the one with poor hearing and K and Y are the ones who were making the waiters repeat what they were saying and not getting the rules of the game till halfway through the game. (we were at a board games cafe)
Y explained that she was tired from working, but K, she was busy messaging on her phone, not catching what the waiter was saying and basically just asking to be 酸ed and i'm being accused of being agitated.
i'm not agitated. i'm just evil. if you hand me an egg, i'll throw it in your face. yes, i am evil.
when we were in Y's car, K got rather irritated that i was 酸ing her about being oblivious to changes along the road. usually she can take more 酸ing. but today she kinda snapped after very little 酸ing. she's usually a very tolerant person.
i guess i haven't been 酸ing her in the past few times we met up. think i toned down a little, but today, i was a little more like my evil o' self from eons back. from the time when we first became friends. i was the evil thing she knew from way back.
and after she snapped at me, i just shut up. coz i realised that i was being a little dramatic and i always believe it's better to shut up than to say something and offend people.
and then, K decided to call it a night (we were adjourning for more food). and after Y dropped her off, i decided to call it a night too.
i asked Y if i was really asking for it. according to Y, i was kinda like my usual self while K was a little less tolerating than her usual self. and she thought probably it's coz K's kinda stressed from all the stuff happening in her life at the moment.
and it's bothering me.
there'll always be this evil bitchy side of me whose mouth is so 缺德 that i'm probably on some top ten bitch list. and if you can't be yourself when you're with your friends, when can you be yourself?
these days, i find myself not really whining to them about my life coz i'd been whining too much in the past few years and there's nothing much to whine about really and i should be thankful for what is not happening to me.
so yup, quite a great deal of less kao-pei-ing to my friends these days. and i don't really share things with them coz the things that excite and interest me don't do the same for them. so when there's some silence, they'll bring up some topic that interests them (being a work-related topic for them) while involving me in the most cursory manner.
it bothers me to realise that i'm not really having a lot of fun when i thought i should be.
when do friends stop being friends? when are friends friends? i always thought K and i don't really have much in common. she doesn't seem to have an evil streak. our interests are as different as night and day (with the occasional similar interest here and there, rarer than rare).
i don't know much about her life coz she doesn't really volunteer information about her problems. and i don't like to probe.
yes, i don't like to probe, please feel free to tell me your problems (if you feel like doing so), but don't expect me to ask you to tell me your problems. i just don't ask people. let's just say, it's not exactly in my nature to do so.
i don't really feel that the bond between us is very strong coz we've never really gone through tough times together. she might have been there when things sucked for me, but i was never there when things sucked for her. it's because i didn't know things were sucking for her. if they were, i would expect her to come and say something. but she doesn't.
so when she breaks her important news to Y and me, i don't feel much coz i can't.
recently, zf said this on her blog, "My girlfriends I made in Singapore are always my best friends. My new girlfriends just can't measure up to them."
but what happens when you find that your old friends' lives are being consumed by their work, their studies, their current life and the person you used to have things in common with is not really the person you laughed with before?
what happens when the person you have little in common with before and have evern less in common with now is considered a close friend (by default, well, that's how i feel sometimes) realise that you're a crappy bitch and decides to give you a slap in your face for being yourself?
what happens when you bottle it all up because you realised that your friends shouldn't have to endure being your hole in the wall (cf in the mood for love) and you self-censor in your blog coz you don't know who's reading what and you've to keep some secrets even though it's slowing killing you?
yup. it's a crappy week. but life is not as bad as it sounds. f-. why am i trying to explain every freaking thing i say?
i blog to vent so i can stop crying at every possible tear-inducing thing i catch on telly. was crying rather vigorously while watching grey's anatomy this week. cried so hard that my eyes were a tad sore the next day. feel rather stupid.
posted by who? at 01:48 |
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