theorising on why w? is still single and going all hysterical
in the attempt to stay awake for a couple more hours, i’m torturing my mind as such.
met up with KM for drinks last week. and we briefly talked about sg guys and us.
KM thinks we (her and me) scare sg guys coz we're smart.
well, i don't really think i'm smart. i'm really quite dumb. haar~
i'll admit that i read a little. but my reading profile includes trashy beauty/fashion magazines, strange magazines like real simple, simply her, entertainment gossip, comics, the occasional design related reading material and the super occasional fiction/non-fiction book.
so i seriously don’t think i’m an intellectual judging from my reading diet, despite what the jung-enneagram test says.
m y theory on why i’m still single:
- i don’t meet the physical requirements of sg guys
- i don’t really need to be taken care of
and now to further develop on my theory. point 1: i don’t meet the physical requirements of sg guys
well, a lot of guys don’t meet my requirements either. i think human beings have a tendency for being superficial. w?’s a superficial girl. a lot of guys are too short/fat/ugly/don’t have nice enough shoulders for me.
so i can’t blame sg guys for being picky. i know i’m too big-boned/fat/ugly for them. i know!
i’ve to admit that i’ve always tended to pay more attention to cuter looking guys. but even then, i do mingle with guys who don’t meet the physical requirements i look out for in a guy.
and nowadays, i’m trying to look beyond looks. these days, i try to be nicer to people coz nobody deserves to be treated badly. but if you’re too rude/inconsiderate/whatever for me (and i tend to be a little stringent about that. inconsideration is a real bother to me these days), then i can’t really be bothered.
but one thing i’ve noticed about sg guys is that (and this is a gross generalisation) their attitudes towards girls are determined by whether they think the girl in question is worthy of their affection/attention.
generally, if they don’t think the girl is chioh enough to woo, they treat the said girl like she’s part of the surroundings.
i’m generalising, but that’s really what i feel. even up until today. i’ve always felt inadequate as a girl. maybe i just don’t know enough people.
when i was in uni, i’d constantly found myself struggling for attention. today, when i look back, i think it was partly coz i was lacking in my social skills and partly coz i’m not attractive enough.
i guess partly why i decided i shall try to be nicer to people generally is coz i don’t want to make other feel bad because of their appearance.
i don’t mind being mean to them if they display qualities i dislike such as inconsideration or rudeness or lack of basic decency. but i don’t want to be mean someone coz he/she’s unattractive.
my gosh. can’t believe i’m revealing my insecurities. maybe blogging while semi-conscious isn't such a good idea.
point 2. it’s actually somewhat a result of point 1. i haven’t really met a lot of sg guys who are gentlemanly to me. and i attribute it to point 1.
some examples of gentlemanly acts being opening the door for you, giving way to you, looking out for you. it’s really damn rare for me.
but the more attractive girls might have it differently.
when i went diving earlier this year, the guys i met (all of whom are not from sg) were actually gentlemanly to me. me! i was overwhelmed. still am.
it really made me feel good about myself. maybe i’m not that ugly afterall!
after quite a bit of thought, i’ve came to the conclusion that, what they did could be better described as acts of nice-ness and consideration rather than gentlemanly.
and that is kinda the driving force behind my attempt to be nicer to people (that = being treated nicely). i want to make people feel good coz i know what it’s like to feel like nobody gives a shit about you.
i don’t really go around telling everyone about this resolution of mine coz i’d rather let my actions speak for themselves. so far, i’m not sure if i’m doing it well.
and coz i don’t really think it’s an easy resolution to keep. not after 24 years of being a lousy excuse for a human being. it would be malu to have this haunting me if i should fail.
the reason why i’m revealing it now, here is coz i don’t think a lot of people read my blog and it might help in my theory on why i’m still single.
these days i try to be more considerate. and i find myself doing gentlemanly things which guys around me don’t do. and i can’t help but feel disgusted.
example - an elderly man with a head of white hair was standing in front of me and a couple on the bus a few days back. i was kinda sleepy. had just woken up from a nap. and i was still quite tired.
the couple across me were energetically chatting away. and they showed no inclination to give up their seats for the white-haired elderly man.
i did. coz we should give up our seats to those who need them more? so maybe the guy was just not considerate coz guys have a tendency to be less xi4 xin1? sensitive? but what about the girl he was with?
i still can’t get over their lack of concern. i would spit in their faces if not for the fact that spitting is tres unhygienic.
it’s hard to be not single when you get disgusted every other day.
besides finding myself exercising more consideration than the people around me (and that’s actually not very difficult) i think i also create this impression that i don’t need people to take care of me. like i’ve this tendency to open my own doors, not wait for people to lead the way blah blah.
it’s really coz nobody has ever really tried. do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to wait for someone to open the door for you? i’ve had enough face lost. i realised that it’s kinda hopeless to expect sg guys to be gentlemanly to me, so usually i pre-empt them and don’t give them a chance to be not gentlemanly to me. and i think it’s a bloody vicious cycle!
they think i don’t need to be taken care of. that’s coz i’ve learnt that nobody wants to take care of me. is it a wonder that i’ve learnt to take care of myself? but that doesn’t mean i don’t want to be taken care of! i just don’t need to be taken care of a l l the time. i think i’m quite a healthy individual.
damnit. i’m in hysterics. and that is why the url is calm hyphen hysteria. coz life is about balance. don’t think i’ll ever eradicate the hysteria in my life, so i must seek calmness too.
gosh. i’m really rambling. shoot. now i’m not really sleepy. tired but not sleepy. damnit all. wretched people.
feeling damn sleepy. but it's probably going to screw my haywire sleeping cycle even further if i succumb and go to bed now.
but i'm too tired to cad. bloody waste of my life.
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saw neil gaiman today. heard him talk. don't get why i expected him to have a British accent. he h a s been living in the states for quite a while. silly mind.
brought two items (a volume of sandman and american god. actually had wanted to get american god autographed for my friend X.) for him to autograph. but couldn't bring myself to queue. the queue was really damn long. it stretched for... 200m? more? i can't really tell. w? is not only directionless and also distanceless.
he gave a short talk. missed a little of it coz i thought it was starting at six. thank goodness i ran for my bus and managed to get there before six.
he answered some questions. and he was really nice. he was dispensing three autographs per person, where one would be personalised. i hadn't even expected that. imagine how tired he must be now. suspect he's still autographing away while i'm blogging.
but he would not pose for photos coz from the past couple of days' activity, they realised that was what was holding up things. i can't believe he would pose for so many people.
i'd brought two items for him to autograph coz i thought it might be a little torturous for him to autograph too many things. but in the end, i couldn't bring myself to queue.
i'm quite sleepy. always tend to find myself sleepiest at early evening time. and the thought of queuing all by myself for the next couple/few hours while i'm falling asleep is not exactly my preferred way of spending my time.
i really like some of his works. sandman actually brought me to tears. but i just couldn't find the passion in me to queue for his autograph. coz really, his works are what touches me most. seeing him live was quite exciting. but i think i can live without his autograph.
but i can't help wonder why i'm lacking in the passion. even jay. i like his music. i like seeing him live. but i wouldn't queue to get his autograph. i can't find the meaning of an autograph to me.
it's kinda baffling me. not the best thing to be baffled by while trying to stay awake.
another psychology test.
yes i was at the site i was at last night again.. and now i just did this test and my results show that i'mGlobal Personality Test Results |
Stability (33%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness (53%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.
Extraversion (36%) moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.
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they also said that i'm
introverted, irritable, feels invisible, observer, depressed, does not enjoy leadership, reveals little about self, dislikes large parties, feels undesirable, does not like to stand out, submissive, suspicious, emotionally sensitive, not a thrill seeker, solitude loving, likes silence, fragile, second guesses self, negative, unadventurous, fearful, weird, focuses on people's hidden motives, paranoid, phobic, dependent, cautious, avoidant, semi intellectual
fwah.. quite zhun4 lor.. yah lah.. i'm chiak tsua-ing at work now.. "P hush k.
first bunch. kinda shapeless
2nd bunch. think they look like deformed h brand kisses.
